Does it really matter?

No, this is not a grammarly type entry. 

Although I'll just interject that if nothing else, social media has pointed out that grammar stuff you could OF (this is deliberate) thought was common knowledge, really isn't. Interestingly though, my nerves are no longer grated by these inscribed atrocities...I guess that goes to show that if you're exposed to sin long enough it's only a matter of time before you are no longer repulsed by it....

Besides you should see some of the transgressions of which I've been guilty.

But as always, I digress.

This entry is actually aimed at attempting to pinpoint what exactly is meant when one is being empathetic.  
But isn't that the same as being sympathetic? 
No it's not.
What's the difference? 
Who cares?

In all honesty, I'm not truly a pedant, so the actual semantics are not of grave concern to me.  Nevertheless, I will point out that back in school I did learn that though both 'sympathy' and 'empathy' deal with expressing concern and compassion for another's misfortune, the latter was derived from a more knowledgeable place of having experienced a similar situation and thus making that person able to, in a sense, walk in the shoes of the one currently grieving.  'Sympathy' on the other hand, though also heartfelt, was not as intense.  So  though one could sympathise with a sick dog that has had to have its tail removed, one could not (for obvious reasons) empathise.

Naturally I turned to my reliable source of information, Siri, to help me elucidate more accurately.  The meanings, I discovered via dictionary.com, are a little broader than I remembered learning.  So perhaps like many other things the meanings have evolved (or I was just wrong).  To empathise does not necessarily require one to have gone through a similar situation.  Empathy can occur as long as one is able to be so deeply compassionate that one can even imagine himself in the person's shoes... so then my earlier dog illustration...

At some point in our lives we must have met (or eventually will meet) 'that' person who, after we'd told about the boatload of work we had to complete, immediately followed up with an outline of the equal or greater amount of work they had to complete.  Or that time when your #insertRelevantBodyPart hurt and the person with whom you were sharing this concern had their own story of an aching ______.

Is that empathy?

Maybe I'm actually the one who's being needy and fussy and hypersensitive; but I can't begin to explain the number of times I've felt dismissed when I've shared a difficult situation and another in the company merely pipes their personal distress. 

Is the goal to 'out pain' me? or is the goal to say 'I overcame and so can you?'
There's some food for thought. 

We naturally can't assess another's motive without psychic capabilities, but we sure can assess our own.

I'll never forget an experience I had (almost 10 years ago) when I was undergoing a particularly difficult situation and someone I deemed a friend asked  'How are you?'  I remember beginning to share my situation and watching that person's eyes dart around the area before responding 'Good, Good' and darting off to greet another person.  (I accept full blame as we were at the end of a function and so I should not have been as expectant)   I am aware that "How are you?" Is really a part of social greeting and in most instances one is not expected to respond truthfully (or respond at all).  But that knowledge didn't change the hurt I felt. 

Maybe I ought to be more mindful that when I share a difficult situation, others in the company are not necessarily interested in that situation and so their reason for sharing a similar experience has nothing to do with empathy. And where is it written anyway that because someone had a similar experience it means they'll feel sorry for you when you have the same?

#realityCheck
#quitWhining

I wish I gave a @#!￥

In a recent conversation with a fellow foreigner, he responded to my comment about Japanese people's politeness by saying "You know they don't really like you right?  They do it out of duty."

His response made me think of the question, 'If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Random? Maybe... but I promise there's a link... at least I made one.
But to answer: of course it makes a sound - you just don't hear it (because you're not there obviously) therefore the sound does not affect you and you can go on about your life without the worry of noise pollution - the link was a little deeper in my head I swear LOL

My point though is it's really foolish to be concerned whether the random person grinning with you really likes you.  I for one don't walk into a business place looking for love; so if I'm met with feigned pleasantries I'm actually happy.  Having worked briefly in a highy customer service based industry and been a consumer of services all my life, the importance of pleasantries is something that resonates strongly with me.  Nothing gets under my skin like an insufficiently doting service provider. 

In my mind, the ideal service provider should
          *have the smile of the skilled pageant contestant and the awareness of the psychic
          *provide enough non-threatening hovering to let me know of their eagerness to assist, without the presence to suggest they think I'm about to slip something into my purse. 

Do not approach me with a scowl.  If necessary, dig deep and summon that "You are the most important person in my world right now" face.  Yes, I'm one of those types of customers.  In this country, there is an expression that is used by staff every time a customer walks into a business or is passed in the aisle of the business.  Even before I knew what it meant I realised that it was a kind of greeting that was extended to customers and I was annoyed (occasionally to the point of offense) on the very few occasions when I encountered a staff member who didn't say it to me.  It didn't matter that I didn't then know exactly what it means, in my mind it was an affront and I took it personally. #goAheadAndRollYourEyesAtMe

The conversation between my friend and I did however spur me to think about interactions in general.  What exactly is genuine pleasantry?  I don't necessarily like every person with whom I smile during an interaction, but I certainly bear them no ill will.  I am even sometimes not in the mood  and don't feel sociable but proffer a smile regardless. 

But what about the person who's unpleasant because of a personal situation and could use a kind word?  I'm sorry that's a tough one but you're the one at work, take a bathroom break if you need a minute.

Now maybe 'like' wasn't really what my friend meant.  Maybe he wanted to speak to the passive aggressive attitude that I too have noted among many of the natives of my new land of abode.  Here, so as to maintain the chi (harmony), people are slow to express their disagreement with something and would sometimes sooner have you evicted than merely ask you to turn your TV down.  Though that was not the context of our discussion, maybe that's what he was getting at.

In that case I do give a hoot.

#FyaPanBackStabbingCowards

In our conversation though, I simply meant to applaud the seemingly back bending graciousness with which the majority of people serve (and they don't do it for tips as that is not a part of the operations in the businesses here). 

To those people I say
"Thank you for your politeness as you serve. Whether it's genuine or not I don't care.  You can always go in the back and chat bad bout me with your colleagues (heck you can do it standing in front of me... not like mi will feel a way since I have no idea what you're saying)."  As long as you do it with a smile of course.

Naive? Maybe; but for now that's the point of view I'm sticking to.

Ok So I've changed my mind on the whole marriage thing

I wish I had stats on how frequently I get asked why I'm not married.  And though I often try to explicate reflecting thought and depth of reasoning, a major factor could be that no one has asked #mer

I'd like to think that people who question my singleness, do  this because they realise (rightly so) that I have a gregarious personality that should be shared on the deepest level possible (and if you think otherwise just don't tell me).

In my many years as an adult I've listened to the pundits on marriage who have almost always concluded that selfish people should not get married and if they do, those unions have a rather brief life span.  I'm very slow to call myself selfish, but when I'm being honest I realise that every single time I've desired marriage it has always been about What's in it for me? i.e what I wanted to get and never so much about what I had/wanted to offer.  According to the aforementioned experts, an outlook such as this is a recipe for failure; and after the headache and expense of planning and executing a wedding, who wants the misery and tediousness of a bad marriage or processing a divorce?

While I still strongly believe the benefits of remaining single largely outnumber those of being married, the actual value of those benefits may however tip the scale n favour of marriage... but then again I'm learning that as one gets older, one's outlook on what is important often undergoes change.  Therefore quality over quantity is worth pursuing... but this may just be oldER age talking.

Nevertheless, based on my zero experience, and purely from my observations from the outside looking in, here's a brief list of reasons I've changed my mind on the whole marriage thing:

1. Guilt Free Sex
Of course this is paramount! Scripture says it's better to marry than to burn and if you are a believer in Jesus Christ who wants to honour God with your body, then you know that in a marriage is the only place where sex is legit.  I've been told that the stats on the amount of sex married people actually have is astonishingly disappointing, but I'll keep my fingers crossed.

2.  Obligated Date 
I'm pretty OK with doing stuff by myself and since the inventions of the front camera on the cell phone and selfie stick there's less difficulty in capturing moments of activity.  One doesn't have to bug random passersby to help you get that picture of yourself before that sign.  Also, most cameras have timers, and there are tripods, so even if you want to get a video while you mimic Fred Flinstone to send the ball down the lane, you're good.  But some activities are just not as much fun when you're by yourself (at least the stuff I'm really in to).  After all, at karaoke you'll at some point need someone else to sing so you can rest your voice, it's pretty sad if you have to rack and break too - be stripes as well as solids, and it can be risky to go hiking by your lonesome...  Now of course all these activities can be shared with friends (that is after all my current modus operandi), but what if those friends are busy?  They're not the ones with the obligation to me.  Most of my friends have husbands/wives/children so their schedules are planned around those persons' needs not mine... Then there's the whole "third wheel" bit.

3. I'm old enough
One of the things I've sometimes heard from people who married young is how much their spouses have changed over the years - some for better, others for worse.  So I'm thinking that at this age I'm pretty much set in my ways (and so should the lucky fellow) and therefore everyone is fully aware of what the deal is ahead of time - that's one less hurdle in the steeple chase.

But from this list it's still evident that I'm thinking about my desires...Where's the bit about wanting to contribute to someone else's life?

#shister