While watching a favourite comedy programme on YouTube recently, I noted a scene that depicted a young man in his 30s sitting at a table with four women perhaps 20 or 30 years his senior. They were playing cards and the young man attempted to make conversation by asking about their sex lives, as (he said) the setting was Florida and he was excited to be hanging with "real live Golden Girls" (If you remember that show then you know what I'm talking about). The women on the other hand complained of pain and wanted to show pictures of their grandchildren. Frustrated, the young man threw his cards on the table and left. However, as he did this the women turned to lecherously watch him leave. One commented on his 'ass' and the other expressed desire to "crack that fortune cookie open" (the guy was of Chinese descent).
Funny enough I suppose, depending on your choice for humour; but when I got to the comments (the best part of any social media post) I realised that the writers were being blasted by some viewers for sanctioning sexual harassment (of course never mind the racially motivated joke). One such critic even went on to ask why they were making it OK for women to purport sexual harassment.
Until I read the comments, that had been furthest from my thoughts. The comment then got me thinking about the definition of sexual harassment; so I of course sought clarity from the possessor of all knowledge, Guguru (that's just Google in my Japanese accent).
Being able to distinguish this phenomena is profoundly important especially in light of the numerous incidences surrounding the issue. But this is also pitted against the surge in the "PC Culture" ...Just how far is too far?
The first definition I found explained sexual harassment as
"(typically of a woman) in a workplace, or other professional or social situation, involving the making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks"
I found this definition very limited on a number of levels.
1. Obviously it's clearly archaic "typically of women"? Is it suggesting that men's preferences are chopped liver? Are they always welcoming of sexual advances and are therefore incapable of falling victim to unwanted advances?
2. It's not harassment until after it's been done? Based on this definition, how else would the person be sure what they are offering is 'unwanted' or "obscene"? Those seem to be rather subjective constructs.
I did however find a more comprehensive definition and so assuaged my fears a tad.
The second definition however turned out to be rather lengthy and contained a few complexities, making me understand that there was no easy way to define it. In fact, after reading I concluded that what had happened in the skit was not harassment since there was no evidence that the young man was offended by, or even heard, the women's remarks. It wasn't sexual abuse either (since it was brief) and it wasn't assault (because nobody touched the guy). I couldn't help but think that it's little wonder genuine victims are sometimes timid to broadcast experiences of this nature.
The recent situation surrounding former US Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh, resonated with me on a personal level. My sister, the human being to which I'm closest in this world, will perhaps stop reading here and call to ask "WTH?" (Maybe not in those words since she doesn't speak like that) But she, like anyone else reading, will be learning of this experience through this post.
I was a child.
I don't recall my age but I vividly remember the surprise and shame.
I wonder why those would be among the natural responses...Is it because most times the ones responsible are not random unknowns and therefore victims believe their acts of betrayal are as a result of our failings in some way?
While watching excerpts of the Kavanaugh hearing I took note of the numerous cynical responses received by Dr Ford as she outlined the experiences she'd had:
'Why is she doing this now? It was such a long time ago'
'She went to a party with drinking college young men'
'It wasn't like she was raped'
I thought back on my experience that Saturday morning. Why was the feeling still eerie? After all,
It was near some 30 years ago and he's now deceased
I was the one who'd gone and sat on his lap
All he did was reach under my dress, pull at my panties and comment on how tight they were
It never happened again as after that day I kept a wide berth. Then we moved away
But even as an adult. when I sometimes saw him, I was never able to give beyond a courteous nod; every time wondering if he remembered.
By comparison, my experience pales next to the horror faced by thousands. I believe I was lucky. But it has hammered home very strongly that fact that if I felt a sense of violation and shame, what of the persons who have endured much more?
We cannot discount anyone's story as each carries its own pain.
Twingy, you do tackle some tough subjects, don't you?
ReplyDeleteThis topic is so delicate that I would never try to humour it (err on the side of caution for this one).
I empathise with everyone who have gone through this ordeal. It's clear that those experiences are forever etched in the subconscious and though forgiveness is possible, the forget part is unrealistic. So I can only imagine the emotions that are unlocked when you see the perpetrator, especially being lauded and awarded, sigh.
Becoming philosophical is not the solution to this problem, but we must figure out how to help our youth start making better choices from the earliest of age. 'Boys will be boys' should not mean we silently support disrespect shown to anyone, especially women. But the Western and European cultures have not done enough to eradicate this form of abuse, so we run the risk of it getting more prevalent, instead of reversing.
So now the ladies have joined the orgy, because they surely have become more sexually explicit these days; but more often, they just harass (stage 1 of the evils).
To the victims of abuse and assault, do what you think is therapeutic for you #seeksolace. But I do hope you choose to expose persons who wrong you, because in most cases (six sigma decimals) they do know it is wrong. Plus, exposing people is the surest way to influence a change in behaviour.
On the harassment side, things are so fickle that I have practiced a very monotoned (wasn't hard for me) and pale-faced approach to give a complement to someone I do not know very well #nuhwantunnomixmiup.
But we should not accept harrassment that is so obvious (the language, the threats, pictures that are worth a thousand words) to be swept under the rug, because escalation is certain, after we succeed with this part. Avoidance is the worst strategy to anything (I'm proving this everyday).
Women - take this fight on; it's a fight that is worth it. I doubt I will be able to be inconspicuous when attacking any man who hurt my daughter like this.
Men - man up (stop all forms of abuse against women and don't report that a woman harrassed you - dem tings nuh look good).
Timely post as well #googleemployeestakingastand