I, uhm... Do?

I've always wanted to be married, it just hasn't happened yet.

Well, in all honesty (since someone has been spiking my coffee with truth serum lately) I know I've always wanted a wedding - you know: the dress, the photos, professionally done makeup, the ring, being the centre of attention.  The marriage part I'm not as sure about because every single time I've envisioned myself as Mrs Last name that will move me up the alphabet, it's primarily been just that day.  On the few occasions my thoughts have gone beyond that, one of us always has a job that keeps us away from home days at a time, or our schedules are so demanding that we are always longing to see each other more.

Then my friend sends me a link.

#MaybImMoreNormalThanIthink

Living Separate Lives

Usually anything the Hollywood types endorse, I take with several grains of salt - they are definitely not my role models.  But I believe sometimes it's possible to gain sense from nonsense so I'm often slow to dismiss stuff without giving some thought - even a little.

The link from my friend, a marketwatch.com article, presents a rather thought-provoking spin on the concept of a matrimonial home where the couple chooses to live separately from their spouse... and no one's mad at anyone.  In fact, the article implies that living separately reduces the likelihood of that happening.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder nuh suh? 

The article cites psychotherapist and "Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today" author, Tina B. Tessina, who seems to believe that couples who opt for this sort of arrangement are those who like living alone, but still want companionship and the financial benefits of marriage'.  Some couples admitted that while they were initially forced into this kind of setup because of work demands, it's not a temporary thing and it's now something they love and believe has helped their union since 'time together is more special... things feel new and exciting when [they] get to see each other,'  varying the time living apart/together from months at a time to specific days per week.  Congrats to them on being able to afford two mortgages though. #richPplSomething

More interesting is the fact that the article also cited  data from the US Census Bureau as recording an estimated four million married couples living apart (but that data also includes those incarcerated or living in nursing institutions so a nuh nuff nuff people have habit fi live different yaad from dem smaddy).

One of my biggest aversions to marriage has been because of the doubt that I'd be able to function with someone else in my space on a permanent basis (ask the people I've lived with how much time I spent in my room versus the communal areas lol) ... Maybe is a good thing den seh di marriage chapter a mi life nuh write yet don't?

Leave and Cleave

Naturally, my first thought is to examine if the Bible has a position on this kind of setup.  When a man is to leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, does that unity have to take place in the same house?  Christians are one and we don't all live in the same house now do we?
Relax pundits, I know I took that totally out of context.

#insertLOLemoji

The good doc further noted that this arrangement suits "couples who have sharp differences in living styles" and also helps to allow each person to "pursue his or her own lifestyle and priorities without having to alter things for the partner." uhm... remind me why you'd get married to that person then?

Back to the whole Biblical bit about becoming one.  Can this kind of setup facilitate that?  Can we truly be one with so much time apart? Will I genuinely get to know him, and he me, if that's how we do it? On the flip side would our marriage last if he did get to know me? LOL
#seriousFoodForThought.

What about the children?
#cueYolandaAdams

Interestingly, in my being married visions, our children are usually from his previous relationship(s) so they're either grown or living with their mom(s).  Before you judge me please see previous post's disclaimer LOL.  If we do have our own children they're somehow already teenagers or away at college - memba seh dream nuh walk straight - day dream wussara DWL

#covaMiFace 

The article does specifically speak to a benefit for blended families and not necessarily those created by the specific couples. I'm certainly of the view that while possibly ideal for some adults, it's not a proper setup for rearing kids.  There's something about kids being with their parents in one home that seems better; but then I'm biased.  That's what I benefited from; and many of my friends who didn't have that, though they turned out fine, often expressed a desire for their missing parent.  Besides, what would be the explanation to children whose parents are not separated or divorced, don't have jobs requiring them to be elsewhere, yet the kids have to take turns living in different locales or worse, one parent lives separately from them?

Out of Sight...

Big and serious though. 
I'd be lying if I didn't admit this setup has some appeal to me.  Still, on the flip side, how much damage can it do to a union?
Which is more likely - benefit or harm?  For instance, if someone's gonna be unfaithful in their relationship they will do so regardless of where the significant other is; but is unfaithfulness a greater/more likely possibility if wi carry wiself bout wi a live a different yard when we nuh haffi dweet?   Plus, a life in which the spouse "pursue[s] his or her own lifestyle and priorities without having to alter things for the partner" nuh might mek dem all figat seh dem married suh dem still decide fi date? LOL And how can a spouse not be one of a person's priorities?

Call me old fashioned I guess; but I think it makes more sense to stick with the conventional in this regard.  But maybe I should ask some married people to weigh in.

If you could afford it, would you? Why/ Why not?

A Coming Out Post

#cueDianaRoss    #wellThoseClose2meAlreadyKnew

You ever feel socially compelled to preamble with a disclaimer before you express something that might come off as a certain way?
What's the point though?
When I hear someone say "I don't mean to be rude but..." my mind gets ready to consider whatever they say as such.  One of my friends always says "mi nuh cut yuh but.." just before she interrupts whatever you were saying to say whatever she has to say.

Those disclaimers ruin it for others because when you now read mine you might be slow to accept the validity of it.
Nevertheless, here goes... I absolutely love kids.  I really do; and they love me (usually) but there is yet to be a moment when I say (whether out loud or in my head) that "I want one of those".  In fact, I've more times than I can recall uttered the exact opposite; because besides the typical baby making process, where's the enjoyability?

Before you gasp in outrage please review the disclaimer, I absolutely love kids.  I really do; and they love me (usually) ... but there's yet to be a moment when, after babysitting a friend's kid for a few hours and it's time to return the child, I say (whether in my head or out loud) "I wish he/she could stay longer". In fact, I've more times than I can recall said the exact opposite; because I really believe there are few things greater than the joy of being able to sleep late (or some other activity) without having to think of fixing the little tyke's breakfast (or some other duty) ... but then maybe I'm just selfish, or irresponsible, or both.

Phat

Don't get me started on the gestation period! It's a whole (   insert preferred exclamatory word   )year!

#wellAlmost

During this period many women glow - as in literally look big and shiny as they lumber around swollen and exhausted.
In all fairness I know many women who look so beautiful that other women (not me) feel a desire to be pregnant too - but focusing on those would throw a wrench in the point of this post wouldn't it? LOL

Then come the ensuing months (read years) of overweight because unless you are a professional athlete, movie star, entertainer or one of the world's few regular people who is a fitness junkie, it's not too easy to shake the excess fat.  I have friends whose kids are in high school and they still haven't lost the baby fat... so I'm thinking I'm gonna go ahead and pass.

The Right Time

Among the wise counsel I've received concerning this position is the assurance that I'll feel differently when the time is right... but let's face it, the window on the time thing is preeetty close to closing - suh ef mi nuh feel suh arreddy, mi nuh really think mi a guh feel suh again.
I'm especially fond of the warning not to jinx myself by saying "I don't want..." because later I could change my mind and apparently there are no take backs of what you utter into the universe.

Different folks, different strokes

Can I just say one more time that I absolutely love kids.  I really do; and they love me (usually) but if there ever was a situation worthy of the expression 'different folks, different strokes' this would be it.   Be warned though, this is never something you must voice unless you are ready to hear the disapproving tsks of those who attach some anti-godly significance to these utterances; or see the sympathetic nods spurred by a disbelief that you are being truthful.

On Mother's Days too it's quite humorous when 'well-wishers' sometimes have to walk back a greeting they'd accidentally extended.
Often there is a sympathetic addition that one day this will be true for me or that because I'm an educator and our roles are extensive - often to the point of overlap with that of a mother's - then I deserve the greeting... uhm (insert tilted head with frown) there's Teacher's Day for that LOL #theyMeanWell

It's scary when you don't want to be branded as some kind of cold, unloving, evil person, to admit that while they feel sorry for you, you are quite happy for yourself and in fact often feel sorry for them.
If only there was some way to make them understand that loving kids, but not wanting your own, is not mutually exclusive.

I can't wait to dote on my niece. #MentalHappyDance  It makes me quite excited just thinking about it. After all, I absolutely love kids.  I really do; and they love me (usually).

Wolf

In Memoriam

When we hear of the tale of the boy who cried wolf,

it's a warning to not make a scene;

but what of the wolves that may prey on the mind?

The kind that only one's eyes have seen.

Let's imagine, for once, that the time he first cried

was a time when his fears had grown great.

And the second came only because on those nerves,

his fears would unyieldingly grate.

Was a third time too many, despite all the fear?

Cries too loud for wolves deemed unreal.

They're emergency drills - for indeed one could come;

but those cries just made all trust unreel.

And he laughed, some will chide, when the rescuers came -

a sure sign that his calls were in vain.

Or is that just what he would have them believe,

just to shield his mind's ludicrous vein.

Did she call?  I quite often have questioned myself.

If she did then why didn't I hear?

Would I have somehow someway lended myself?

Perhaps then she'd still prob'ly be here.

Fathers Like Mine

For Derek Layton - forever the first in my mind when I think of the best example of a good father.

Happy Fathers' Day 2019

Too often society negates your role, 

for the fact that you don't have a womb;

and it wasn't you who for almost a year

shared your body so I'd have a room.

Too often society negates your role,

though we know of the joy of you near;

or the pain and the bitterness that some endure

in the moments when you are not there.

To fathers like mine who have done as they should,

to ensure that their offspring are safe,

you have loved and have fed and have given your best.

To you is this verbal embrace.

#bestDadsRpresent

#loveMyDaddy

My Parents' Weird Friends

I remember as a kid when my sister and I would attend conferences or other large gatherings with our parents, and they’d run into long-time friends - people with whom they’d gone to school or were from their original hometowns.

There was always that “OMG! They’ve grown so fast!” exchange.  Without fail, we’d hear those people’s recollection of a time when my sister and I had been ‘yea high’ (insert hand close to the ground gesture). Or, depending on the depth of their relationship with my parents, some memory of a diaper change they’d performed or something ‘cute’ we’d said or done during some previous encounter.  

Of course as far as we were concerned, we hadn’t sprung up over night’. Heck, those birthdays seemed to take a mighty long time to come around (not that it did me much good anyway since with a birthday only a week past Christmas, my gifts were most often merged #stillNotAmused).

I can’t speak to my sister’s feelings, but during those exchanges, I’d do a mental eye roll LOL.  A polite pursed lipped smile would be plastered on my face as I waited for the ritual’s end.  I often had no real knowledge of who the doter was; or my recollection of ‘that time when’ was, at best, vague.

Fast forward thirty years and I’m my parents’ weird friend.  

There truly is nothing new under the sun and I’ve come to believe that the “I remember when” exclamation over your friends’ children is a rite of passage.  It’s intrinsic and no one can stop themselves from doing it LOL, no one!

They DO grow up so fast!  

Never mind that this era allows me to actually follow their growths on social media; yet the transition from diaper to tassel still seems supersonic.

This graduation season, as I’ve seen my friends’ posts of their kids, I’ve found myself having to give a mental rebuke ‘Don’t be that person’ just before the OMGs spill from my lips (well technically my fingers) as I comment on their posts.

Sometimes I think that perhaps it’s because I have no children of my own that the passage of time doesn’t seem very dramatic unless I see the kids (that is until my knees creak and hurt every time I move from a stooping to a standing position or it takes me that much longer to run those three miles or I find a grey hair in my hairline AND my eyebrow or I see SMS language that I don’t understand… OK so maybe the passage has been more dramatic than I’m willing to acknowledge).  Should I even mention how in a recent conversation with a friend we got to a point of asking each other about the statuses of certain pains? #gasp

SIDEBAR: what’s XD?

I almost feel a modicum of guilt when I try to imagine my friends’ kids’ responses to my outpouring.  But then why should they be spared the awkward moments?  They’re lucky it’s cyber gushing and I’m not in the room so they can then freely roll their eyes at their parents (well, me) if my gushing messages are passed on.

 

Actually, All Lives DON'T Matter

As the saying goes, "when America sneezes, the rest of the world gets a cold" or something to that effect.

And recently, the debates for and against abortion have seen earnest resurgence; with roads appearing to be leading to America's highest court and perhaps threaten the landmark Roe v Wade decision of 1973. 

It's quite interesting to follow the various positions on the issue - from the ultra religious to the liberals, the feminist to the 'won't have an opinion unless it hits home' crowd.  At some point or another, I do believe that most people will take a position on the issue whether they opt to verbalise it.

My take?

Abortion is murder
I am anti abortion. Which in this 'get rid of labels unless you disagree with their view then you're a bigot or something' climate, makes me one of the bad guys (or 'bad girls' to be politically correct).
But a suh it guh sometime.

How can the taking of the life of a thing that has an identifiable heartbeat be considered as anything less?  Sure the thing requires a host for its survival and development; but is that what makes it less deserving?

How dare you tell me what to do with my body?
One of the quips I've heard recently has been that if  abortion is criminalised, then it's only fair that vasectomies be mandated.  Clearly this argument is meant for humour than consideration since until it has fertilised an egg, a sperm is basically useless (well so is the egg for that matter since they operate as a team). 
The fact is, based on the human anatomy, it's the woman's body that houses and nurtures the foetus.  We didn't ask for it.  We can't change it.  That's just the way it is.  Does that fact then give the woman autonomy over whatever is in the womb that's a part of her body?  In the same way she can decide to get a piercing or a tattoo, shouldn't she be able to decide what she wants/doesn't want to live inside her?  By all means YES!  But that autonomy is before anyone moves in.  The rules of engagement change when something with a separate life begins to grow within her.  Sure it's more akin to a parasite, but a living creature non-the-less.

I find it interesting that some of the loudest voices purporting such malicious destruction are classic 'tree huggers'.  Everyone and everything has right to life and protection except this thing? 

What I can't wrap my head around is why people are not as loudly advocating for improved pre-pregnancy behaviours and practises.  In my mind that's truly how the woman shows she's in control of her body, and the men who care about her show they respect her right to determine what is allowed to grow within it.  Not only do we live in a time when there is a wealth of available information on safeguarding oneself; but we live in a time when there are also numerous protection methods that may very well measure better in cost and safety than abortions.

What about victims?
A secondary argument relates to the supposed concern for victims of incest and/or rape.  How dare they be forced, after they've been so violated, to then be the hosts of the product of this violation?  Which is in effect what anti abortion legislation does. 
This is quite a troubling situation and it requires zero contemplation for me to say I wouldn't wish that on an enemy (if I had one) much less myself or someone I cared about.  What needs to be readily available are the medications that can prevent fertilisation in the first instance.  A victim of such an attack should be able to walk into a medical facility and acquire these with ease.  Perhaps with this available, women will become more confident 'the system' really cares and not delay reporting offenders #MeToo.

As a side note, I'd be interested to discover how many seekers of abortion are such victims.

Or what of the women whose lives become at risk because of a pregnancy?  Therein lies the only exculpation in my mind.  I do believe abortion is murder, but then an abortion in such an instance would be tantamount to self defence.  There's no contrary argument from me in a case of justifiable homicide. 

Who is really being punished?
So you'd support bringing a child into an environment where it cannot be cared for or is unwanted?

Firstly, I largely doubt it's the poor who make up the bulk of abortion clinics' clientele (unless such procedures are free then I stand corrected).
Secondly, the crux of my argument is the need to help people rethink pre pregnancy attitudes.  I hate that some pro-life advocates give the impression that though a pregnancy may have been the result of a man and woman's irresponsible behaviour, it is an opportunity to tsk and wag a finger.  Recognising that sometimes pregnancies come because of carelessness is not an opportunity to yell "gotcha!" (at least it shouldn't be) but ill-preparedness cannot be a licence to eradicate life.

We better be careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water. 
Because we have broken systems doesn't mean we should resort to measures that are irreversible. No life is accidental.  Everyone can effect good or evil.  We don't know which and as such it shouldn't be our choice to decide which life to snuff out.  And who knows, as a pearl can emerge from an oyster, a traumatic experience can birth greatness.  Delusive nonsense? Arguably so.

Furthermore, extensive studies have suggested there is significant negative physical and psychological effect on many women post abortions and this should not be discounted and dismissed.

At the end of the day
It's going to come down to which set of activists are louder, with more money and political clout.

Heck there's butterfly larvae with more protection rights and support than a foetus, sheesh...but I guess it does make some kind of sense.  The World needs more natural resources than it does people anyway.

#BabiesLivesMatter?