"Is it me? Because that would greatly affect what I tell you."
Turns out it wasn't.
I did however ask him what advice he would give to me if I asked him about how to date a (his race) guy.
He thought for a moment - complete with furrowed brow and tilted head - then he finally came out with
"I dunno. He's a guy."
"Exactly!"
Interestingly, most of the stereotypes I know about black people, I learned from T.V; specifically, American TV. Many of these realitites don't exist where I'm from.
Like that time I was out with a non-black friend and when he's about to go get us some sodas he asks me what flavour I want. I shrug I don't know - I've kinda stopped drinking sodas - so he says "they have Fanta grape" with a laugh. But I don't get the joke so I just shrug again and say 'ok'.
As soon as he returns though he is bumbling that he thinks he should apologise for being racist just now. I am completely clueless and when he repeats his apology I take a minute to replay what happened so I can assess how I feel about his apology.
I'm no more aware so I ask him to explain; and that's when I learn that 'black people love Fanta grape' (Just about as much as we love fried chicken apparently though for the life of me I can't understand why that is a stereotype about blacks... who doesn't love fried chicken?).
#insertConfusedEmoji
Anyway, I learned something about 'me' that day.
So what do I do with his apology though? I'm not offended, but was he being offensive to blacks in general?
Which brings me to my next point - being expected to represent all blacks wherever I go.
BLACK AMBASSADOR
I've even had black people advise me that I should respond a particular way to certain things while living in a country where blacks are less than 1% of the population. I should do this because I may be the only black person with whom many here come in contact, and their interaction with me can determine their perception of black people.Really now?
Pssh. No thank you. I'll pass on the race ambassador gig. Anyone who meets me can take away whatever they wish; but my goal is certainly never going to be to help them create some perception about a whole gosh darn race of people.
But let me rewind my focus to black women.
As an Afro-Caribbean woman I'm completely dumbfounded by some of the expectations since I don't portray the stereotypical characteristics and neither do any of my friends.
Don't get me wrong. There are undoubtedly many people who exhibit the behaviours found in stereotypes because after all, isn't that kinda how they get formed in the first place?
But, as Merriam-Webster rightly points out, stereotypes represent 'oversimplified opinion[s], prejudiced attitude[s] or uncritical judgement[s]'.
To broadly ask for advice on 'black women' is to assume that it's our skin color that predetermines the types of persons we are and not our culture and experiences.
I didn't bite my friend's head off - that would have fed too well into the stereotype LOL .
If we are honest, we'd admit that at some point or another we all make an assumption about persons because of their race - I know I've done it. I think the important thing is to realise what we're doing and make a mental note not to. Whether our stereotypes put an individual in a positive or negative light, it's just best not to fall victim to accepting assumptions as fact. Instead, the goal should be to know someone based on who they actually present themselves to be.
All of that being said, here are a few things worth considering.
MY POINTERS WENT AS SUCH
Makeup
Many women wear makeup; so this hazard crosses the boundaries of racial hue. When I wear makeup I always try to be ultra careful if I hug people because while I also wear good setting spray, the darn thing still manages to leave a smudge (though Covid-19 has kinda helped reduce this concern #upside?) Dark chocolate stains may or may not be something you have to deal with when you date a black woman.
MY advice: DON'T FREAK OUT - it's easily removed with a normal stain remover and washing.
Hair
Hair is a big deal to all women regardless of race.
(I know. Earth shattering revelation #sarcasmIsntAlwaysApparentInPrint)
This is why hair products make up a billion dollar industry. The only difference is race may affect/influence the way it's styled, but at the end of the day it's still just hair. Black hair is also quite versatile so sometimes a black woman will wear her hair short, other times long; this week in braids, the next it's bone straight. It all depends on the woman. Her individuality determines her styling preferences.
It also determines how she feels about people touching it. I know some women who will definitely not take kindly to someone touching their hair. Most times I don't care; but if it's arranged in a way that touching it lends the possibility of ruining that arrangement - BACK. AWAY. FROM. THE. HAIR!
MY advice: DON'T FREAK OUT - sometimes her hairstyle will sit separately on the dresser sometimes it sticks with her. Sometimes you can play around with it, other times don't dare. Different women prefer different styles. #JustAsk
sidenote: women of other races wear extensions too #feltItNeeded2bsaid LOL
Behaviour
Black women often get the label of being 'angry'. I know many women who are afraid of expressing dissent in the workplace because they fear being stuck with this label and that whatever they have to say will not be taken on its merit but as just another black woman being mad about something. Which is totally weird since 'Snapped' and many of the 'Houseswives of (fill in the blank)' reveal that women of other races can be just as ratchet. It's not the race, it's the cultural/social experience.
MY advice: KNOW THAT MANY BLACK WOMEN DON'T EXPRESS THEMSELVES BY YELLING (and I didn't yell that. I was just going with bold caps for the advice so this one came out like that too hahaha)
Culinary Expertise
Maybe I'm bringing this one up because it's especially close to home. I'm still believing the LORD for a significant other who loves to cook and is actual good at it - because I'm neither. There's no cooking gene.
MY advice: LEARN TO COOK FOR YASELF
And the list could go in: dancing, sexual prowess, athletic ability...
Just stop with the assumptions already!
Race cannot cause an automatic skill or lack thereof. Have we ever stopped to think that it's the historical realities that have resulted in some races channelling their interests and efforts into certain activities?
While genetic make up may yield varied results for the races in some activities; nothing comes automatically and to excel in any area, skills have to be honed and nurtured regardless of one's race.
RED FLAG?
Several women in a social media group of which I'm a part, often tell stories of being approached by men who claim to have always wanted to date a black woman. I can't help but be wary (even fearful) of such attitudes. That desire has the ring of nothing more than a bucket list, something to tell your friends that you did.
Love doesn't distinguish colour in that sense... at least not as far as I believe. To want to be with me because of my race screams an adherrance to certain assumptions about what I may or may not have to offer.
FINAL ANALYSIS
Stereotypes are funny - well many of them are - and those jokes have their place. The problem is, some people take these views into real world scenarios.
More often than not, if a statement begins '(insert a whole race of people) do this or that' there's a great likelyhood that a lot may be inaccurate about that.
But then that's just how I see it.
