Stating the Obvious? 002 #lifeNuggets #relationships

002 : Knowing the class of a relationship is crucial to your well-being.

 Technically all relationships are transactional to some degree right? You give something and get something. 

The key question is: Are you satisfied with what you're getting?

I used to be bummed out when some people in my life would reach out to me only for certain favours. If my phone went off and I saw their names, I almost never needed to open the message to know what their text was all about. They weren't just saying 'hi'. I'm sometimes slow so it did kinda take me a beat to realise this. In one particular situation I remember feeling pretty hurt devastated for an extended period because I guess I'd thought a particular relationship was more than that one thing. We got along swimmingly at social gatherings; or I'd sometimes check up on them by phone and, while our conversations were always great (in my mind at least), I'd never hear from them again until my next check in or they needed that favour. In fact, on two separate occasions I was even introduced to someone else as "the (task I was doing)"  - not as their friend. 😱 #mer

Perhaps what made me feel even more slighted was the fact that sometimes I would have to rearrange my schedule to accommodate this request and it wasn't like I was being paid for a job. In all fairness, there's no way they could have known of my inconviences; but in similar fairness to myself, why would someone be granting you free favours if they weren't your 'friend'? It got to the place where I found myself becoming resentful. Agreeing to help out but doing so with much bitterness. Then one day, (or maybe it was over a period of time) I came to terms with the nature of our relationship and it was like a switch flipped. Gone was my eager beaver assistance and it also took with it the resentment. 

People want different things in life and that's totally ok. What's not ok is hitching, or trying to hitch, your proverbial wagon to someone who doesn't want the same as you. Before you say 'well duh', the thing is we don't always recognise this right away and having this knowledge will make the difference between your feeling satisfied or shortchanged. 

Here are a couple of ideas:

If you find yourself always or most often doing the 'giving' and it's a problem then you've got to pull the plug

I'm not suggesting you necessarily keep a tally of all you do for people - that's probably unhealthy LOL but if yuh find seh yuh start feel a way  (Jamaican expression for becoming burdened, uncomfortable, disappointed or whatever the negative feeling is) because of what you think you're getting out of a relationship, it might make sense to ask yourself the hard questions and find out why you may be feeling this way. Depending on the other people involved, varying responses will be warranted. For instance, if the person is a spouse or other family member, it's definitely better to talk it through. Someone from work or some other social circle however might not need heavy duty intervention and sometimes just stepping back from ones zealous giving will help them realise they need to do more, or the relationship itself will fizzle (instead of you fizzling from carrying around the frustration).

Have 'reasonable' expectations

This is a subjective term but consider this, most adults have jobs and families and many things upon which to place their priorities. I'm clearly (at least I hope I'm being clear) not speaking to obsessive 'psycho' behaviour or the childish teenaged practices of being with your friends all day then spending hours on the phone when you go to your individual homes later. Be sure that what you desire of their time/actions makes sense. It doesn't need to be 50/50 (as in even) because some people will always have more to give than others, but gosh darn it has to reflect some kind of effort, right? And if they don't make the effort then they probably don't deserve yours.

Sidebar:

If you realise that you are the taker then decide to do better 

Start trying to contribute more to the relationship or, if you're not interested in doing that, don't be so eager to take. 

#onlyifYouCareAboutOtherPplOfCourse

I get it. Some people are intense. As a loner (that's how I classify myself because while I'm very sociable when necessary, I'm completely at peace with and enjoy my own company) it's often tough to try to match the chatty energies of others I've met. But because I want to make sure they understand that I value our connection (if indeed I do) I make an effort to say hi, or check up on them from time to time. I try not to let them feel they must always initiate connections. Nobody is "always busy", or rather our schedules are usually busy with the things we find important.

Final thought

At the end of the day there will always be people who don't really care about you beyond how they can benefit from what you have to offer #factOfLife. 

Just be sure you know, and are willing to accept what you're getting in return. The moment you find yourself becoming distressed by your remuneration, it's time to talk or step back. Stop rundung people (Jamaican for don't desire friendships from people who don't demonstrate that they value you).

#atLeastThatsMy2cents