Merry Christmas

So here's the thing - it's Christmas

My favourite time of year

There's God's great gift for mankind's rift

There's food and lots to share

There's gathering of loved ones

They come from far and near

There're smiles from even strangers

As they are filled with cheer

There're flashing lights on every street

And sales in every store

Can't help but love the yuletide

Too awesome to ignore

'Merry Christmas!' 'Happy Hanukkah!'

'Season's Greetings!' some will say

But I'm not really hung up on the greetings for the day It's all irrelevant if what we celebrate is love

That started with the greatest gift Sent to us from above.

So I met a guy...

...Is how you must never begin any sentence when talking to your friend if you are 38 going 39 and never been married.

The reason?

Your friends have all these hopes and wishes regarding relationships for you (especially if they’ve already taken the plunge, and regardless of whether they are still going by “Mrs Whatever”. You may not immediately realise the severe disappointment that ensues when you subsequently relay statements void of romance, but rather some mundane account of your being assisted to complete a task.

Now... if this were a Tyler Perry flick!

#insertOpeningMusic

We know that despite being ignorant of each other’s native tongue, wedding bells would be on the horizon of this “land of the rising sun”.  Nihongo (the Japanese word for that language) would magically begin to make sense; and you'd both skip the cultural and religious hurdles like a well tossed stone on a placid lake.  Like many Japanese natives, he would have studied Eigo (the Japanese word for English) all the way to high school; but he'd never seen the need to master it... until now.

Cue the music while you'd both be seen demonstratively helping each other get the pronunciations and nuances of each language just right, encouraging each other when frustrations set in and force you to toss the text (or electronic device) being employed for study, and celebrating when you seemingly demolish the previously insurmountable language barrier.  The music would fade, he'd casually, unintentionally say something to you in English, and you'd respond in Japanese,  also unintentionally.
Surprised and excited by this, you'd both be convinced you can toll the bell.

You gotta forgive me, 'Tis the Season' and I've been binge watching Netflix Christmas movies.

Of course no self respecting Hallmarky film would be complete without 'the break up' and the scalding verbalisation that this was a bad idea to begin with (in each native language of course and though neither of you understand what the other has said the messages are clear - it's over!).  That part would usually result from something a friend, family member or random passerby said or did to highlight the futility of the arrangement and fuel the doubt you were feeling from the outset.

Since the current story is set in Asia (where Xenophobia is reportedly rife - albeit I am yet to be knowingly on the receiving end of this) the spat would be spurred by someone on his end.  After this, consumed by heartbreak, you would naturally feel compelled to return home.  Some time later (time would be fluid - but it couldn't be too long or the chance exists that you'd forget the bit of Japanese you'd learnt), you 'd be at the food court at Sovereign Centre in Kingston one afternoon.  You'd see the 'Little Tokyo' restaurant and get really sad.  You'd buy some noodles there and brood as you eat, perhaps recollecting a time you'd shared a meal in some quaint restaurant near Mt. Fuji.

For some magical reason, you'd feel inclined to turn and pan the food court and you'd freeze (chop sticks poised mid-air, face awash with surprise but heart fluttering with unspeakable joy because he would be standing on the other side of the quad, close to the bookstore side.  Your sister would be in the background, a kind of blur but visible enough so it's clear it's her (after all that's how he'd have been able to find you).  You would rise slowly, laying your chopsticks on the table, your eyes never once leaving each other and telling a thousand tales of how you've felt because of the (still fluid) period of separation.

BUT this is real life; so your explanation to your friend only includes how this fellow, who was quite easy on the eyes, ended up helping you while you were quite confused at the city office.  And all he actually did was direct you to English speaking staff so you could fill out some forms, then went about his business.  If she'd calmly allowed you to finish your statement she'd have heard you say:

'So I met a guy today who was wearing a Usain Bolt T-Shirt.'

In fact, the only reason that he ended up speaking to and later helping you was, on seeing his shirt you flashed your 'I'm Jamaican card' and so a conversation ensued... You understood some bits...

YOU: Oh Bolto! t-shirt wa ga suki desu! Jamaica gin (Oh Bolt!  I like your T-shirt.  I'm Jamaican)
HIM:  Honto ni! (Really!) [very excited face]
YOU: Hai! So desu! (Yes. That's right)
HIM:  Subarashi! (Wonderful!) [other stuff you have no clue about]
YOU: Gomen na sai.  Nihongo no Wakarimasen.  Eigo onegaishimasu (I'm sorry.  I don't understand Japanese.  English please)
HIM: Sumimasen.  Eigo ni hanashimasen. (Excuse me - though also used for apologies. I don't speak English
[notices the form in your hand] Chotto matte (please wait) [runs off and shortly returns with a woman who speaks a few words of English]
YOU: Arigatou gozaimasu (thank you) [flurry of bows]
HIM: Doumo (You're welcome). [more bows]

Nothing Compares, Nothing Compares...#insertSineadVoice

"Comparison is the thief  of reason," said no famous person ever - I just made it up.  Though a former US president said something similar one time ... so maybe whad ad happened was I didn't make it up but just forgot what had been originally said.

But whether it's the theft of reason or the "[theft] of joy" (Roosevelt's actual expression), comparison robs us of something... or does it?

Is it something we can avoid doing?  Why do so many of us do it?
Even Cain did it; and he was trying to please God, well maybe not so much - considering what he did and all.

But seriously, how else can one excel unless one's performance is measured against that of another?  Is comparative analysis so bad?  Like most things in life 'it all depends' on what the end goal happens to be. 

NOW

THEN

Afterall, I probably wouldn't have realised how jacked up my brows were until I weighed them against those of the TV/ magazine beauties (and I think I look better for it). 


I wouldn't have had an ideal weight goal until I compared my waistline to the clothes available in my favourite stores (or was it because my doctor here told me what weight I should get to so I perhaps could blend in with the local women? LOL)

Nowadays I can hardly go a day without comparing my current country of abode to that of my origin.  For instance, in all public schools, every student is given the opportunity to (I won't say 'made to') do extracurricular activities.  This is possible because the schools (through the government of course) supplies the materials/equipment for the students to practise such.  That's just amazing!  Now of course the students can't necessarily refuse to praticipate - but c'mon, unless a person has medical impediments why wouldn't they want to learn something?
I look on in envy because in my childhood my country did not have (well it still doesn't) have the resources to make even half of that possible... Can you imagine if we could?  A dah time deh wi wudda tallawah!  (I'm not gonna take on the 'struggles make you work harder' advocates because while that may bear a modicum of truth, many who suffer do so because all the hard work in the world can't provide opportunities where there are none.)

What can a comparison to this country achieve?  Well I'm willing to bet my chocolate chip scone (then I gripe about my waistline) that good could come of  it if the result is to provide more learning opportunities to children .  Opportunities that have little to do with the affluence of their parents.

It's when comparisons become unreasonable and irrational, to the point of making a person unhappy, or worse, stark raving mad, is when Houston's got a problem.  When I think of those who've undergone extensive cosmetic surgeries and have considerably altered their appearances to the point where they run the risk of not recognising themselves in a mirror, I think of people who've taken this comparison thing totally out of context.


But if after I've compared myself to someone else and desire what they have I'm spurred into productivity, that's good (afta mi naaah lick dem dung and tek dem tings - a dem deh wi call grudgeful an badmin').  Furthermore, desiring what another has is not a bad thing if the end product is just (and that's not just me talking off the top of my head, Romans 11:14 says something very familiar.

So President Roosevelt was probably thinking 'grudefulness and badmin' as being the thieves of joy' he just had never been to Jamaica so never quite knew how to say it. LOLOL

Ah Ha! So that's what's missing from my life!

I recently read Shel Silverstein's "The Missing Piece" and "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O".  They're categorised as children's books, perhaps because they're animated or have one line pages?  I dunno.  But there's some real deep stuff embedded that adults should definitely read too.

In the first one, there's this circular-like shaped creature missing a wedge (I'm gonna go ahead and say this creature is symbolic of a guy or a girl).  The thing is rolling around looking for the wedge it's missing.  The story tells of its adventures as it searches.

In the second, there's this piece, a wedge - looks like a slice of pizza (I'm still gonna go with the guy/girl symbolism) waiting around to be the fit for what's missing in others.  The story tells of its efforts to attract and fit into another so that it can begin to go around and have experiences.

In my mind, both characters are  striking reflections of what many waste chunks of their lives doing -  'searching for' or 'waiting for'.  We too often dream of saying (or hearing it said to us) "you complete me" (and don't get me wrong, I totally get it... cue Tom Cruise's enamouring green eyes while I swoon).  Movies, media in general, heck the whole social culture paints the picture that depicts us all as explorers or undiscovered, needing to find or be found by that better half to make us whole.  I'm gonna go out on a limb and call this notion baloney, horse radish, bull crap?  Or maybe this is just a nearing 40 years old spinster vent? LOLOL #whoKnows

And yes, I hear the pages turning (or the keypads clicking) as some bring up Genesis 2:18 and the extra depthly (no such word don't look it up) mentally adding that though God could definitely have created Eve independently, He opted to use a rib from Adam to perhaps further signify the symbiotic nature of male/female relationships.
It's a truth that being alone sucks, but (and that's such a big 'but' I should have gone ahead and used caps) that 'Emergency Contact' doesn't have to be a spouse.  You don't have to be (or have) a parasite draining the other person's being just so a claim to have found your yin or yang or whatever, can be made.

 #goshDarnItIsoundMoreCynicalThanIreallyAm #iPromise

In the first Silverstein book, the thing finds that 'missing piece', but when the piece fits exactly into the open spot it only screws up everything about the life of the creature #ouch
The creature decides to remove the piece from its life and continue being that 'incomplete' (but happy) being.  That's a pretty cool lesson on the fact that stuff can be 'picture perfect' but besides the optics, it's a living hell.

The creature's experience triggered a few questions in my mind:
1.  If by inserting the piece that seemed perfect, its life became messed up, does that mean it really didn't fit?
Or
2. Is it that the real problem was the creature was selfish to want to keep on doing its life the same as it did prior to including the piece in it?
Or
3.  Just maybe, there's no such thing as a real fit so everyone has got to be prepared to abandon some things they love doing in exchange for not being void of a piece?

In the second book, after numerous failed efforts at attracting one to which it would fit, the pizza slice looking piece meets a whole - The Big O - that advises it to be its own being instead of waiting to fit another.  When the piece starts doing that, it actually develops into a whole and is able to start its own journey, eventually running into the 'O' again.  The final page features no words, just two wholes seeming to swipe right on each other.  #Tinder #NowThatsWhatIcallRomantic #CaniGetAhallelujah

It's not that we don't need people.  It's that the bit missing from us as individuals is not another person (completely different post required for me to to take this to the required spiritual levels)

We must each be our own whole selves and then when whole people connect, they create a kind of facultative NOT obligatory symbiosis (I totally just Googled that and only hope I've used it correctly).
If this wasn't possible I don't think the Apostle Paul would have offered kudos to the folk who opted to stay unmarried.

So do I think I fall into this group Paul talked about? Nope.  I'm with the ones in the next verse LOL
But like the creature in the first book I'm unwilling to sacrifice myself for the sake of optics and the pressure to appear stereotypically whole.  Like the piece in the second I am my own whole being, rolling around and having adventures.

Who knows, maybe I get lucky and roll into another whole and we enjoy being individually whole together.  #IloveHowConvolutedThatSounds

If all this sounds familiar it's probably because I said it all before in that book I wrote back in 2012

Sex Toys & Religion #WarningRisque

Discussions around sex are as intriguing as they are taboo.

The topic is often handled with kid gloves in Christian religious circles.  But how sensible is it to tip toe around such a major component of our lives?  We must get our heads out of the sand because that elephant in the room is backing us all into a corner. 
[Ok no more mixed metaphors #ipromiseLOL] 

On a real serious note though, it is ironic that most religious leaders turn beet red [clearly a symbolic reference since black preachers aren't doing a better job at it], while the secular world has practically made it the crux of their industry.  From the sale of a car to that of a bottle of juice.  #sideEye@icoolDrinkAds  There are also movies and music videos #just2nameAfew 
Sexual innuendos are daily, commonplace images.  Why then do so many of the religious shy away from talking about it - as if it wasn't God who started the sex thing in the first place...  There was only one way Adam and Eve  could "be fruitful and increase in number" and, spoiler alert, there were no nearby fertility clinics providing artificial insemination services.

I learnt about sex around age eleven or twelve when I was about to hit puberty and my mother gave me a book titled "Teenagers".  There was no talk. She didn't say "if you have questions about what you read..."  In fact, the book actually focused on the customary puberty changes so the 'sex ed' was actually incidental.
On the sex front, it was a mere factual account of the reproductive elements - doing absolutely nothing to explain the feelings I would develop.  My first hard copy of sexually related visuals was somewhere around that time too when some kids had a dirty magazine on the bus.  But, it was a different time and the threat of excessive exposure far less imposing compared to the ease of access for post millennials (Google told me they're named Generation Z). 
I can  only pray that modern parents are not as hush-hush and shame faced because if they don't teach their kids about sex, others will.

On many levels the Bible is pretty clear to me in its position on coitus:
a. Forbidding that between men and women not married to each other
b. Forbidding that between the same sex
c. Forbidding that between humans and animals
d. Forbidding that with a dead body... wait a minute, is this last one actually Biblical?  My search yielded no specific condemnation against necrophilia so maybe it falls under the category of what is referred to as "sexual immorality"?

But this preamble has become a ramble.  We're here to talk about sex toys. 
So where do they fit?

Does the use of such fall into the aforementioned category of sexual immorality?  Before you snicker, sneer or snort, think about this: 
Hardly anybody hand washes their clothes anymore - we use machines. 
We don't walk to the corner store -  we drive our cars or call a cab. 
Heck, many of us hardly make meals from scratch since there are ready mixes for practically any meal we can think of. 

Forming relationships takes time and people are busy.  Then, when you consider the demands of marriage which takes work, and money, and the patience of Job to deal with people's issues and unpredictability on a long term basis, it makes you wonder if the sex is worth the trouble.  Isn't it less strenuous (and cheaper) to then let Amazon hook you up so that all you have to contend with is Silica gel, bubble wrap and batteries?  There's no risk of disease or unplanned pregnancy or infidelity or heartbreak; neither is there sin in the heart since it doesn't even involve looking at and desiring anyone.  Besides, I don't have to look far to find real, live examples of marriages between Christian people who after gliding down the aisle are now trudging that lonely road of separation and divorce.

A friend once told me of a talk given by an unmarried Christian woman at her church where the woman revealed that she kept a special cucumber in her freezer for needs that did not involve a salad.  In fact, at no time in that woman's use of the cucumber would she have been required to pare it... She found an alternative means of consumption.

Does the person in genuine pursuit of God violently wrestle with sexual urges and desires? 
If a Christian finds himself/ herself at the point of such struggles does it speak to their spiritual state?
Should they be concerned that their pursuits in righteousness lack diligence?
Is it that perhaps the problem with sex toys is they are gateway drugs - a path to the actual Biblically condemnable relations?  Should the fact that these are modelled to resemble male/female genitalia be an indicator?
On the other hand, could it be that the use of such is subjective and therefore the individual is to be guided by his/her conscience? "All things are lawful but..."

Maybe the answer lies in discovering the intended purpose of sex.  Was individual gratification  and pleasure ever meant to be one of its purposes (as opposed to being a mere byproduct)?  For if the answer to this question is 'no' then the answer to the sinfulness of sex toys is possibly 'yes'. 
So why was sex created?  Is its role truly multifaceted?
Here are three summations that I can effortlessly make:
1. Clearly for procreation - be fruitful 
2. Also for bonding  - leave father and mother, cleave
3. And let's not forget physical satisfaction - better to marry than burn with passion

So then Scripture does suggest that gratification is one purpose.  BUT, should one seek to benefit  from purpose 3 when the bed has not been laid?  After all, though Scripture has not said Thou shalt not use sex toys, marriage seems to be the only allowance for devouring sexual passion #ohSnap

But, as if this post isn't long enough already, I haven't even mentioned that, from the standpoint of  many religious women, there is a noticeable incongruence in the supply and demand of eligible partners #beNotUnequallyYoked

Maybe I should have titled this post "Bare Questions".

 #apologies4TackyPunOverkillLOL

Help! I've Been Sexually Harassed? Abused? Assaulted?

While watching a favourite comedy programme on YouTube recently, I noted a scene that depicted a young man in his 30s sitting at a table with four women perhaps 20 or 30 years his senior.  They were playing cards and the young man attempted to make conversation by asking about their sex lives, as (he said) the setting was Florida and he was excited to be hanging with "real live Golden Girls"  (If you remember that show then you know what I'm talking about). The women on the other hand complained of pain and wanted to show pictures of their grandchildren.  Frustrated, the young man threw his cards on the table and left.  However, as he did this the women turned to lecherously watch him leave.  One commented on his 'ass' and the other expressed desire to "crack that fortune cookie open" (the guy was of Chinese descent).

Funny enough I suppose, depending on your choice for humour; but when I got to the comments (the best part of any social media post) I realised that the writers were being blasted by some viewers for sanctioning sexual harassment (of course never mind the racially motivated joke).  One such critic even went on to ask why they were making it OK for women to purport sexual harassment. 

Until I read the comments, that had been furthest from my thoughts.  The comment then got me thinking about the definition of sexual harassment; so I of course sought clarity  from the possessor of all knowledge, Guguru (that's just Google in my Japanese accent). 
Being able to distinguish this phenomena  is profoundly important especially in light of the numerous incidences surrounding the issue.  But this is also pitted against the surge in the "PC Culture" ...Just how far is too far?

The first definition I found explained sexual harassment as
"(typically of a woman) in a workplace, or other professional or social situation, involving the making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks"

I found this definition very limited on a number of levels. 
1. Obviously it's clearly archaic  "typically of women"?  Is it suggesting that men's preferences are chopped liver? Are they always welcoming of sexual advances and are therefore incapable of falling victim to unwanted  advances?
2.  It's not harassment until after it's been done?  Based on this definition, how else would the person be sure what they are offering is 'unwanted' or "obscene"? Those seem to be rather subjective constructs. 


I did however find a more comprehensive definition and so assuaged my fears a tad.
The second definition however turned out to be rather lengthy and contained a  few complexities, making me understand that there was no easy way to define it.  In fact, after reading I concluded that what had happened in the skit was not harassment since there was no evidence that the young man was offended by, or even heard, the women's remarks.  It wasn't sexual abuse either (since it was brief) and it wasn't assault (because nobody touched the guy).  I couldn't help but think that it's little wonder genuine victims are sometimes timid to broadcast experiences of this nature.

The recent situation surrounding former US Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh, resonated with me on a personal level.  My sister, the human being to which I'm closest in this world, will perhaps stop reading here and call to ask "WTH?" (Maybe not in those words since she doesn't speak like that)  But she, like anyone else reading, will be learning of this experience through this post. 

I was a child.
I don't recall my age but I vividly remember the surprise and shame. 
I wonder why those would be among the natural responses...Is it because most times the ones responsible are not random unknowns and therefore victims believe their acts of betrayal are as a result of our failings in some way?

While watching excerpts of the Kavanaugh hearing I took note of the numerous cynical responses received by Dr Ford as she outlined the experiences she'd had:
'Why is she doing this now? It was such a long time ago'
'She went to a party with drinking college young men'
'It wasn't like she was raped'

I thought back on my experience that Saturday morning.  Why was the feeling still eerie?  After all,
It  was near some 30 years ago and he's now deceased
I was the one who'd gone and  sat on his lap
All he did was reach under my dress, pull at my panties and comment on how tight they were

It never happened again as after that day I kept a wide berth.  Then we moved away 
But even as an adult. when I sometimes saw him, I was never able to give beyond a courteous nod; every time wondering if he remembered.

By comparison, my experience pales next to the horror faced by thousands.  I believe I was lucky.  But  it has hammered home very strongly that fact that if I felt a sense of violation and shame, what of the persons who have endured much more? 

We cannot discount anyone's story as each carries its own pain.

Did you find it?

In response to my expression of a love for travel, a friend recently asked what I thought I was looking for.  

Interestingly, I never really thought of myself as looking for any specific thing, I've just always thought the world is too big to spend all of it in one place...  Still, I subsequently decided to give it real thought:

a) Am I looking for something?

b) What is it that I am looking for?

c) What happens after I've found it?

Well 'b' and 'c' are rather moot if the answer to 'a' is 'no' ...

But for the purposes of making this post, the answer is 'YES'

#HAHA

What is it that I'm looking for?

I decided to play the old favourites.  What do people look for in life?

1. God?

2. Soulmate?

3. Fulfillment? (which is a Pandora's box in itself as the next question is 'what gives that?')

Great.  This mental discussion is becoming real circular real fast.

I decided I'd jump to #2 since I'm already settled on where I stand with #1...Despite having numerous off centre periods, His Grace always helps me refocus - but that's for another post.
Cue DARLENE ZSCHECH

Number 2 though! 
That proved to be far more difficult to outline than I anticipated; and let's just say the take I read in the  Huff Post was quite romantic comedyish #readUNrealistic LOL... but I don't totally believe in knocking theories so I'll just leave it out there.

Besides, show me the person who claims to not have a list of requirements and you'll have shown me the person I will call a liar to his/her face.  I've had to repeatedly finetune my own list over the years and the one of the 38 yr old is faaar shorter than that of the 19 yr old LOL. The former does suggest growth and I'm quite proud of that (though all the growing hasn't garnered me much success...) So maybe that's what I'm subconsciously seeking?

Number 3:

Remember that box...
Is the answer financial freedom?  Is it academic accomplishments?  Is it positive popularity?  Is it holistic health? (I got a tad carried away)

A definition of fulfillment undoubtedly varies from one person to the next but I think the conclusion I'm willing to draw is, if one wakes up each day without a feeling of dread and misery to face the day, one is experiencing fulfillment.  Naturally it doesn't necessarily mean one's health is perfect or there is no debt or you've achieved everything you wanted to achieve (or are even on the road to achieving it).  It does however mean that you at least face the day with the hope that you can try your hand at a meringue pie or orange chicken (there are other things to do with the lemons life gives you besides fricking lemonade #justSaying).  

What happens after I've found it?

  

Referring to my pseudo nomadic preference I remember my mom once telling my that "a rolling stone gathers no moss".  But is being mossless a bad thing?  And what is the true definition of moss anyway?  Why are experiences not accorded the mossly status as  'a spouse, kids and a dog'?  

What if the 'it' I seek is the experiences life has to offer and so the search never really ends?

Hmmm... that's something to think about...

#ThisIsWhyiDon'tStudyPhilosophy

Does it really matter?

No, this is not a grammarly type entry. 

Although I'll just interject that if nothing else, social media has pointed out that grammar stuff you could OF (this is deliberate) thought was common knowledge, really isn't. Interestingly though, my nerves are no longer grated by these inscribed atrocities...I guess that goes to show that if you're exposed to sin long enough it's only a matter of time before you are no longer repulsed by it....

Besides you should see some of the transgressions of which I've been guilty.

But as always, I digress.

This entry is actually aimed at attempting to pinpoint what exactly is meant when one is being empathetic.  
But isn't that the same as being sympathetic? 
No it's not.
What's the difference? 
Who cares?

In all honesty, I'm not truly a pedant, so the actual semantics are not of grave concern to me.  Nevertheless, I will point out that back in school I did learn that though both 'sympathy' and 'empathy' deal with expressing concern and compassion for another's misfortune, the latter was derived from a more knowledgeable place of having experienced a similar situation and thus making that person able to, in a sense, walk in the shoes of the one currently grieving.  'Sympathy' on the other hand, though also heartfelt, was not as intense.  So  though one could sympathise with a sick dog that has had to have its tail removed, one could not (for obvious reasons) empathise.

Naturally I turned to my reliable source of information, Siri, to help me elucidate more accurately.  The meanings, I discovered via dictionary.com, are a little broader than I remembered learning.  So perhaps like many other things the meanings have evolved (or I was just wrong).  To empathise does not necessarily require one to have gone through a similar situation.  Empathy can occur as long as one is able to be so deeply compassionate that one can even imagine himself in the person's shoes... so then my earlier dog illustration...

At some point in our lives we must have met (or eventually will meet) 'that' person who, after we'd told about the boatload of work we had to complete, immediately followed up with an outline of the equal or greater amount of work they had to complete.  Or that time when your #insertRelevantBodyPart hurt and the person with whom you were sharing this concern had their own story of an aching ______.

Is that empathy?

Maybe I'm actually the one who's being needy and fussy and hypersensitive; but I can't begin to explain the number of times I've felt dismissed when I've shared a difficult situation and another in the company merely pipes their personal distress. 

Is the goal to 'out pain' me? or is the goal to say 'I overcame and so can you?'
There's some food for thought. 

We naturally can't assess another's motive without psychic capabilities, but we sure can assess our own.

I'll never forget an experience I had (almost 10 years ago) when I was undergoing a particularly difficult situation and someone I deemed a friend asked  'How are you?'  I remember beginning to share my situation and watching that person's eyes dart around the area before responding 'Good, Good' and darting off to greet another person.  (I accept full blame as we were at the end of a function and so I should not have been as expectant)   I am aware that "How are you?" Is really a part of social greeting and in most instances one is not expected to respond truthfully (or respond at all).  But that knowledge didn't change the hurt I felt. 

Maybe I ought to be more mindful that when I share a difficult situation, others in the company are not necessarily interested in that situation and so their reason for sharing a similar experience has nothing to do with empathy. And where is it written anyway that because someone had a similar experience it means they'll feel sorry for you when you have the same?

#realityCheck
#quitWhining

I wish I gave a @#!￥

In a recent conversation with a fellow foreigner, he responded to my comment about Japanese people's politeness by saying "You know they don't really like you right?  They do it out of duty."

His response made me think of the question, 'If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Random? Maybe... but I promise there's a link... at least I made one.
But to answer: of course it makes a sound - you just don't hear it (because you're not there obviously) therefore the sound does not affect you and you can go on about your life without the worry of noise pollution - the link was a little deeper in my head I swear LOL

My point though is it's really foolish to be concerned whether the random person grinning with you really likes you.  I for one don't walk into a business place looking for love; so if I'm met with feigned pleasantries I'm actually happy.  Having worked briefly in a highy customer service based industry and been a consumer of services all my life, the importance of pleasantries is something that resonates strongly with me.  Nothing gets under my skin like an insufficiently doting service provider. 

In my mind, the ideal service provider should
          *have the smile of the skilled pageant contestant and the awareness of the psychic
          *provide enough non-threatening hovering to let me know of their eagerness to assist, without the presence to suggest they think I'm about to slip something into my purse. 

Do not approach me with a scowl.  If necessary, dig deep and summon that "You are the most important person in my world right now" face.  Yes, I'm one of those types of customers.  In this country, there is an expression that is used by staff every time a customer walks into a business or is passed in the aisle of the business.  Even before I knew what it meant I realised that it was a kind of greeting that was extended to customers and I was annoyed (occasionally to the point of offense) on the very few occasions when I encountered a staff member who didn't say it to me.  It didn't matter that I didn't then know exactly what it means, in my mind it was an affront and I took it personally. #goAheadAndRollYourEyesAtMe

The conversation between my friend and I did however spur me to think about interactions in general.  What exactly is genuine pleasantry?  I don't necessarily like every person with whom I smile during an interaction, but I certainly bear them no ill will.  I am even sometimes not in the mood  and don't feel sociable but proffer a smile regardless. 

But what about the person who's unpleasant because of a personal situation and could use a kind word?  I'm sorry that's a tough one but you're the one at work, take a bathroom break if you need a minute.

Now maybe 'like' wasn't really what my friend meant.  Maybe he wanted to speak to the passive aggressive attitude that I too have noted among many of the natives of my new land of abode.  Here, so as to maintain the chi (harmony), people are slow to express their disagreement with something and would sometimes sooner have you evicted than merely ask you to turn your TV down.  Though that was not the context of our discussion, maybe that's what he was getting at.

In that case I do give a hoot.

#FyaPanBackStabbingCowards

In our conversation though, I simply meant to applaud the seemingly back bending graciousness with which the majority of people serve (and they don't do it for tips as that is not a part of the operations in the businesses here). 

To those people I say
"Thank you for your politeness as you serve. Whether it's genuine or not I don't care.  You can always go in the back and chat bad bout me with your colleagues (heck you can do it standing in front of me... not like mi will feel a way since I have no idea what you're saying)."  As long as you do it with a smile of course.

Naive? Maybe; but for now that's the point of view I'm sticking to.

Ok So I've changed my mind on the whole marriage thing

I wish I had stats on how frequently I get asked why I'm not married.  And though I often try to explicate reflecting thought and depth of reasoning, a major factor could be that no one has asked #mer

I'd like to think that people who question my singleness, do  this because they realise (rightly so) that I have a gregarious personality that should be shared on the deepest level possible (and if you think otherwise just don't tell me).

In my many years as an adult I've listened to the pundits on marriage who have almost always concluded that selfish people should not get married and if they do, those unions have a rather brief life span.  I'm very slow to call myself selfish, but when I'm being honest I realise that every single time I've desired marriage it has always been about What's in it for me? i.e what I wanted to get and never so much about what I had/wanted to offer.  According to the aforementioned experts, an outlook such as this is a recipe for failure; and after the headache and expense of planning and executing a wedding, who wants the misery and tediousness of a bad marriage or processing a divorce?

While I still strongly believe the benefits of remaining single largely outnumber those of being married, the actual value of those benefits may however tip the scale n favour of marriage... but then again I'm learning that as one gets older, one's outlook on what is important often undergoes change.  Therefore quality over quantity is worth pursuing... but this may just be oldER age talking.

Nevertheless, based on my zero experience, and purely from my observations from the outside looking in, here's a brief list of reasons I've changed my mind on the whole marriage thing:

1. Guilt Free Sex
Of course this is paramount! Scripture says it's better to marry than to burn and if you are a believer in Jesus Christ who wants to honour God with your body, then you know that in a marriage is the only place where sex is legit.  I've been told that the stats on the amount of sex married people actually have is astonishingly disappointing, but I'll keep my fingers crossed.

2.  Obligated Date 
I'm pretty OK with doing stuff by myself and since the inventions of the front camera on the cell phone and selfie stick there's less difficulty in capturing moments of activity.  One doesn't have to bug random passersby to help you get that picture of yourself before that sign.  Also, most cameras have timers, and there are tripods, so even if you want to get a video while you mimic Fred Flinstone to send the ball down the lane, you're good.  But some activities are just not as much fun when you're by yourself (at least the stuff I'm really in to).  After all, at karaoke you'll at some point need someone else to sing so you can rest your voice, it's pretty sad if you have to rack and break too - be stripes as well as solids, and it can be risky to go hiking by your lonesome...  Now of course all these activities can be shared with friends (that is after all my current modus operandi), but what if those friends are busy?  They're not the ones with the obligation to me.  Most of my friends have husbands/wives/children so their schedules are planned around those persons' needs not mine... Then there's the whole "third wheel" bit.

3. I'm old enough
One of the things I've sometimes heard from people who married young is how much their spouses have changed over the years - some for better, others for worse.  So I'm thinking that at this age I'm pretty much set in my ways (and so should the lucky fellow) and therefore everyone is fully aware of what the deal is ahead of time - that's one less hurdle in the steeple chase.

But from this list it's still evident that I'm thinking about my desires...Where's the bit about wanting to contribute to someone else's life?

#shister

That's what they said?! #insertShockedEmoji

You know when you go to karaoke and you are no longer an ordinary language teacher (or whatever it is you do), but instead are in complete performance mode. So you've become Whitney Houston reincarnated, or if the Spice Girls got back together you'd maybe be 'Island Spice' or whatever, or possibly even those Macarena guys (though you don't really know if they're famous because you only know their Macarena song)...  But lemmie get to my point.

So you're at karaoke and in the middle of your grand performance, you see some words being highlighted on the screen that (until that moment) you had never before heard though this is one of your favourite songs and you've been singing "your bills all covered"  since you fell in love with BabyFace as a teenager LOL.  It's hands down one of theee most hilarious moments of my life!  Of course you don't let on to your 'audience' that you've been singing nonsense for over twenty years but in your head you're aghast.  And though in this instance your wrong lines fit this song seamlessly (well arguably), you can't help but think on some of the other songs where you'd misheard lines.  And you marvel at your momentary deafness because now, all you hear is the correct thing.

As a child, 'action songs' (songs that included gestures) were the 'it' of Sunday School.  An old favourite of mine was 'I am in the Lord's army'.  In my defence I'll insert that sometimes unfamiliarity with context can encourage the lyrical deafness one might experience.  And for a long time, having no understanding of the words infantry, cavalry and artillery is the reason behind my affirmation that, though:

"I may never march in an infanty
Ride on a calorie
Shoot with a tillery"

I was in the Lord's army... (at least that's the story I'm sticking to).

Still, my gestures were down pat, so I kinda sorta grasped the concept of the song.  So much so that  I even remember once sharing my extensive ignorance with another child by explaining that a calorie was a type of horse and a tillery a kind of gun #smh

Back home we have a saying "Def ayse gi liad trouble".  Thankfully now though fewer people can remain innocent of lying because we can check the lyrics online... Just have to hope whoever put it there had heard the correct thing in the first place.  LOLOL

Who Asked You Anyway?

#InDefenseOfAirportCheckins LOLOL

I've never FB checked in while at the airport...at least I can't recall ever doing so, but it's clearly not outside the realm of possibilities LOL

That being said, where do these authorities get off trying to mock people for what they choose to post?  But I guess since my line of argument is that people have the choice to post 'whatever', I've sorta made my whole line of argument moot huh?

Still, I press on LOL

Through no deliberate option of my own (damn you Facebook for trying to pretend to know my interests and interpreting my reading ONE article as a desire to read everything on the issue!), my newsfeed has recently been overrun with the counsel of social media etiquette pundits #insertSarcasticTone who've created memes and written articles in critique of the posting choices of others:
"16 Things You Should Never Post"
"Did You know you can fly from any airport..."
"12 Wedding habits that need to end already" (#10 was updating one's FB status at the altar lol - I didn't even know that was a thing) 
The general tone of these articles seem condemnatory and the writers all seemed to be asking 'Who Cares?'
As a response I simply say my belief that these critics don't understand the notion of social media.  In SM, everyone gets to be a star in his/her personal reality show; and like traditional TV shows, all one has to do is not watch the programs one doesn't like.

I've often had to 'unfollow' or 'hide' or just scroll on when I encounter posts I don't care about - It's that simple.  Because personalities differ, my desire for, and even definition of privacy is unsurprisingly different from that of another.  Therefore if someone reveals information about themselves that I know I'd never about myself, I continue scrolling if I'm not interested, and if I am... but maybe mi jus faas (I'm inquistive).

Naturally when it comes to safety or showing sensitivity that's a different conversation. Is there a possible threat to life if your location is disclosed?  Does taking pictures at an accident scene and posting them on your page risk the victims' loved ones being blindsided by the horror?  These are things that require censorship.  Advising someone against announcing an engagement or some other good news because there may be 'haters' (as one article suggested); or jeering someone for checking in because it may be interpreted as an attempt to be boastful (as suggested by another), is pure crap!  So what if someone hates on you because of envy?  You have tons of others cheering you on.  And frankly, I look forward to my friends and acquaintances sharing stuff - I want to be in the know!  Can you imagine having to tell every friend by DM that you just got promoted, or moved to another country or are about to get married? sheesh!

C'mon, give people a break!
Social media is a cheap and efficient way to follow what's going on in someone's life (or share what's going on with yours) without having the arduous task of calling them up every few days.  If someone posts falsehood, what do I care?  If I know the truth I give my computer/phone screen a raised eyebrow and enjoy the fiction LOL

But I guess another reality of social media is that everyone gets the opportunity to become an authority on whatever they choose, heck I'm writing this aren't I? LOL  Maybe if I dislike their criticisms so much then I should avoid reading their articles.

Don't touch the hair! #JumpsBackward

Hair has always been a major deal for a woman.  Heck the Bible calls it her glory.  

Of course personal taste has a great deal to do with one's choice to wear lots of it or hardly any; wear it organically or chemically refashioned; wear one's naturally grown own or the own purchased  with one's money.

Regardless, hair is a preeetty big deal.


Naturally, I can't knowingly speak to the feelings about hair of women of other races, but I think it's safe enough to say that to the average black woman, her hair skirts dangerously close to the realm of sacred.    How else could one explain the number of hours and, or money many of us invest in its upkeep?  This is why I'm forever appalled by the sacrilegious actions of women who try to touch my hair!  Don't you know that every lock, every strand every braid has been strategically arranged?

I'm not going to begin a discussion on the deep stuff like how slavery and colonization and being woke have affected the way black women have seen and worn our hair over generations.  That's a conundrum for another setting and this blog is too trivial for that!

I'll just say that on many levels, for many black women, hair goes waaay beyond just trying to be a fashionista and may also border on being political.

But enough of that.

I've marginally acquiesced to the reality that I'm currently the closest many of the kids and even adults in my city have come or may even ever come to a real live black person, so I want to say I understand their curiosity.  As a result, touching my hair is something I have on occasion grudingly allowed.  Some people politely ask if they may touch it; but I have in more than a few instances had to give a pretend 'friendly' slap at some little elementary school hands whose owners have not asked to touch or are dissatisfied with merely one touch, their actions morphing into a tug assault.

Despite wearing braids 98% of the time, I still find someone touching and scrutinizing my hair a tad evasive.  I've had absolute strangers walk up randomly to me and ask to touch my hair.  One funny experience was with a woman at the gym who, after eyeballing me for a while, made such a request.  I gave her permission (my hair was sweaty anyway and I was going to wash it so I wasn't especially worried about a stranger handling it).  It was quite amusing (the lean your head and raise your eyebrow kind) how she tentatively stretched her hand and rapidly touched my hair as though it were a hot surface and she risked being somehow injured by it.  When she realized her hand to be still in tact she asked to touch it a second time all the time giggling, excitedly? foolishly? Hmmm ... I was half tempted to gesture 'get' LOL.

India Aire sings 'I am not my hair' which I kinda get what she may mean, but I still  sorta disagree with her because if you think about it we are our hair since the way we wear it represents what we think about ourselves or what we value/don't value.

Tell me I'm wrong!

I've known women to forego sleep and use the time instead to install braids #personalConfession; or forego a good night's sleep and hang their heads off the side of the bed so their curls would remain in tact #AlsoApersonalConfession.  There are women who spend hours at the salon and spend hundreds of dollars just so their hair can have the look they desire #thisIsClearlyAconfessionalMinusTheBooth.

On the flipside, there are women who don't give two hoots about their hair: whose hair is unimaginatevely styled and not in the least trendy.  Some whose hair is unkempt, even sometimes smelly because the other things they have to do take precedence over hair grooming - not a condemnation, (except maybe for the smelly ones) but a statement of fact.

Debatable? Sure. But I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I am my hair.

What Failing My Japanese Driver's License Test Taught Me

Firstly,  I know way more curse words than I should.

It's half full

While failing at something doesn't make one a failure, it still totally sucks...  Nevertheless, as a ton of quotes will say if you do a quick Google search, failing has a few benefits if you try to find and look at the proverbial brightside.

There are few things in life that I've failed at doing, fewer still are the things I've failed at after putting in time and effort (this is why 10 & 11th grade Spanish doesn't count) and perhaps that's why dealing with my inability to obtain a Japanese Driver's License has been exceptionally difficult.  But as I've tried to work through my 'brightside' approach to the situation I decided to pen a few upsides to screwing the pooch.

1.  Without the ability to find humour in the most dung filled circumtances, you're in trouble:
Boy, I could tell some stories but lemmie just give the highlights
　... and then the wind broke my umbrella so I walked the rest of the way in the rain
    ... and then I realized I'd left something important and had to walk 25 minutes back home
    ... and then I got on the wrong bus
    ... and then I passed my stop
    ... and then I realized my key wasn't turning because I was standing at my neighbor's apt. door and not my own (Well this one has nothing to do with the current topic but it's something to laugh at myself about so what the heck)
I could go on but I think you get the gist.  Then, I'd been in tears, now they're funny stories I share with my friends

2.  We need People:
Many perhaps know the Donne quote
"No man is an island, entire of itself, everyman is a piece of a continent". 
But if there's one thing I hate, it's depending on people for help.  For as long as I (and I can bet my mom too) can remember, I've liked to do things when and how I want; therefore having to wait for another's weigh in doesn't leave much room for that.   I would usually have to be on my face to reach out for help.  But I've truly learned that sometimes you have to phone a friend ...send them the pin to your location and ask them to get you from wherever the heck it is you've found yourself and now you're just too mentally exhausted from getting lost so many times that day to find a bus stop.

And that's a perfect segue to Lesson 3...
3.   People are kind: 
There are varied schools of thought on this whole kindness thing.  Some people find it easier to be kind to people they know and others are kinder to complete strangers than to their own.  Then others just extend themselves regardless of the recipient.  I have had friends (though it's been only a year) who have rescued me when I was lost or stranded, offered me rides so I wouldn't have to walk or figure out the bus and strangers have seen me wandering (because I can't read) and have tried to help me find my bearings and steered me back to the yellow brick road.  Some friends have offered to help me practice by using their cars to prepare for the next test or offered to take me to get my groceries.  The least we (talking to myself) can do is to allow them to extend themselves as they choose, instead of repeatedly declining their offers of assistance because we don't like handouts.

4.　The Japanese names of the cities in which I live and work  木更津市 (Kisarazu) and
君津 (Kimitsu):
Unlike the trains, the buses use absolutely no English and in the inital stages I had to frantically draw for my Common Entrance Exams mental ability skills to try to match the drawings on Google Maps to that on the panel of the approaching bus.  Now, I can recognize my bus when it comes and so there's been  no more inconveniencing a whole bus load of people while I awkwardly show the bus driver where I want to go and have him confirm the bus could get me there or stop to let me back off; or no more mishaps of only realizing I was on the wrong bus when it turned down some unfamiliar street after I'd been hesitant to ask the destination before hand.

5. There are some cool shortcuts in my city:
This point doesnt really need an explanation except to say that these are legit paved footpaths that show up on Google Maps though they seem to run through people's backyards.

Finally, and perhaps the greatest lesson is
6.  God is in Total Control:
It's really more of a reminder that may sound quite cliche; but it's something I believe though also sometimes struggle to accept.  I certainly don't like the process but I must admit that the person I am now is not the one I was at the beginning of it.  Our experiences as well as the attitudes to those experiences mold the people we are.  All my experiences are orchestrated or permitted by God and it's the scariest and simultaneously most comforting thing ever.  Naturally I'm hoping I've learned enough and can move out of this classroom.  I think I've learned my lessons...at least I hope I have.

The Trees Out Back

*soji - afternoon clean up time in Japanese schools

                                  Some
　　　　May want to call it cliche,
　　　　Life's comparison to trees,
　　　That seasons come and seasons go
　　　And that's all that trees will say.
　　　But you never still quite hear them
　　　When you come from certain lands
　   Where it seems there's hardly difference
　　　  In one year's collar and its hem.
              Until your ears are tuned anew
              Because you've changed locale
            And suddenly the tree's harangue
                                "You must
                                    Face
                                  Winter
                                    Too!"

                It was Autumn when you noticed
                All the leaves were no more green
                Every soji* had kids raking
                So you glanced up at the trees
           
                How come you hadn't seen it?
                Just how many leaves they'd lost
                Then very soon the limbs were frail
                Quite ready to be tossed

                And you glance into the mirror
                At the strands no longer black
                Then your heart skips just a moment
                For your season's right on track

                Doesn't your skin hang just more loosely?
                And your movement just so slow?
                And the ones recently babies
                Are not babies anymore?

                And that is when it strikes you
                And it's not at all cliche
                That seasons come and seasons go
                That's a lot for trees to say.